A writer’s affliction

When I started The Dark Blue Light I thought I’d have lots to say about writing. Surely it must be easy to write about something that consumes you to such a degree, especially when its actually writing. Easy-peasy! But the more the site filled up with my film posts, the more diminished and random the writing ones became and it’s not for the want of trying.

I’ve written countless entries about my book only to decide not to share them. I guess I won’t be winning any social media awards anytime soon but 90% of writing a book is confidence and it’s a very infrequent visitor as I sit at my computer. As a first time writer, it’s crippling and there are days where you think ‘who am I kidding, this is just a hobby isn’t it? Do you think you’re going to actually get this book out there? It’s not good enough’. And you beat yourself with that thorny stick most days so that when it comes to writing about writing, there’s not a shred of confidence left for that and so I shelved post after post, keeping them just for me. Well no more.

I read a wonderful post on Terrible Minds this week from Emmie Mears about writers and confidence and I saw myself in every word. It cripples writers at every level and ultimately we are our own worst enemies for we allow that voice in. http://terribleminds.com/ramble/2016/02/04/emmie-mears-hi-hello-were-here-to-revoke-your-artist-card/

It’s worth mentioning that Terrible Minds has been the inspiration and frequent kick up the arse I needed to keep writing so if you’re a new writer check it out and subscribe. I’m convinced Mr. Wendig has a portal to my psyche as most of his posts are just what I needed at that exact time. You’re welcome in my brain any time Chuck – keep kicking!

I guess the biggest news I have to share is that I finished my book (I know, at last!). On New Year’s Eve I typed the last words and I allowed myself the celebration of that moment before the terror came creeping back in. So in spending nearly four years writing it, conceiving it and being so hard on myself, I’m now laying it out in open court for the good people of booksville to either embrace or point their bony fingers at and laugh. So begins another chapter of confidence shredding. So I’m actively bullet proofing myself. Some days it’s impenetrable, other days it finds the cracks.

I’m forcing myself to remember that this book has just begun its life cycle. There’s a step forward in every submission I put together and rejection is part of that cycle and it’s a big world out there. Maybe an agent or publisher will like it and take a chance. Maybe they won’t and I’m as prepared as I can be for that.

What I wasn’t prepared for though since I finished it, was how much I’d miss it this past month. It’s done now and I’ve kind of had to let it go but I’ve spent every day with these characters and I miss them. I miss their voices in my head. I miss their company. I have comfort in that I will visit them again. This book is an origin story, the beginning of great adventures for my characters and I will dive in again but I’m nervous about them, for them. I’m nervous about booksville’s reaction to them and this holds me back just now from walking with them again. Other books too swim around in my mind so perhaps I’ll kick one of those around and invite some new characters in. One things for sure – I’m not stopping and I’m not giving up. So let the chips fall where they may. I’m ready.

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